Nor a Cozy Hudson Valley House

Today, after a recent purchase on Amazon.com (not an endorsement) I wrote a review of H.G. Wells "First Men in the Moon." This is an exaggeration of that review;


Nor a Cozy Hudson Valley House

I and my friend Wells packed for
  A trip we’d planned for all alone,
Not on Fire Island,
  Nor a cozy Hudson river home,
But our three day stay weekend on the Moon!

We packed water biscuits and dry good triscuits,
  Cellophane saltines wherever they would fit,
Boxes of crackers in wax paper wrappers,
  And drove off in Wells Volkswagon stick,
On reflated helium tires pumped
  With little rubber stoppers

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control,
I’m driving in my camisole,
  It doesn’t cover everything
Leaves some to ‘magination,
  Despite all this thin air up here,
No problems with ignition!"

Nearing the moon Wells turned with a swoon,
  As we rumbled down off the gang plank,
And bless out Stars! We had made good time,
  And still had us half of a gas tank!

With his paring knife Wells cut a slice
  Just as pretty as you please,
Only to choke, and kinda half throw up,
  Exclaiming, "The moon, it’s not made of cheese!"

Still, though the tide was way out,
  We decided to romp in the dutch,
We’d been told this was a gay moon beach, but
  Found that all Moon Men are dead straight butch!

"This is ground control to Major Tom,
You’re getting "stares," and "how do you dares,"
  Is it something has gone wrong?
Better put your suit back on…
  Better put your suit back on…"

Thus were we taken prisoner by
  The Straight Men in the Moon,
Is wasn’t funny, with their Muffin Top Wives,
  Leading straight suburban lives,
And all their two-point-three Moon kids
  Strapped in their Moon baby buggy SUV’s

And that’s when Wells had THE idea, saying
  "Does anybody know some show tunes?"
And together we proceeded to do
  The musical we’d rehearsed together,
Called "Drag Race Banana Beach Riot!"

For which the moon people just wouldn’t stay quiet!
  Howling, like a pack of Moon Wolves at the Earth,
Waiving their arms (of which they had six),
  Up in the air like they just don’t care,
In a lunatic ecstasy of mirth
 
Now, you just won’t believe me,
  But that’s when we discovered
The Moon is really a kinky place, where
  The Moon Men wear makeup,
And Moon Women strap things
  Onto both of their hips,

But you didn’t hear that from my lips!